Wednesday, March 4, 2009


Well, it's been a while since I have been here...I am busy with kids and critters...I wish I had a faster connection, we live where even cell phone signals don't. If we use our cell phones at home, we actually sound like the Verizon cell phone commercial. I would be a scary nut on my front porch warning you about the dead zone....that would be fun!
They have finally decided what to do about my Grave's disease. I go next week for a dose of radioactive Iodine to kill off the thyroid. Nothing with a heartbeat can come near me for 5 days! That will be a tough one with the kids. At this point, I will do anything, short of surgery with no anesthesia. I just want to feel normal again. I have no patience with anything or anyone and I feel like raging at even the smallest of things.
My "loving" husband has left for Florida for 5 days, his grandma died, so I am here alone with the kids and critters. I sound like a bitch, but I really wish we could've sent a card. I need help more than ever and I feel more than a little unstable at times, so being here alone is causing major anxiety (another lovely symptom of my disease!)so, UUUGGGGHHHH!!!
I am angry that he left, he's not close to her and I need him, the kids need him more because of how I am. I can't imaging leaving without a second thought if something was wrong with him.
I have been thinking if only I would've gone to school for a degree and have a good job, I would take my kids and get an apartment. I am just that hurt. I am tired of feeling dependent on someone, I feel like I have totally lost myself, the fun, gregarious, kind, happy person is gone and replaced with a resentful, grumpy, moody, very angry person...sounds like my mom, so another, UUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!
I am so afraid of making a mistake with my choice of study, that I don't go back to college. I don't want to feel guilty wasting the money or taking time from the family.
I want ME back, but I don't know who that is anymore. I have been home raising kids for 10+ years now, so it's like jumping off a cliff, but you don't know if you hooked up the bungy cord or not....UUUUGGGGHHHH!!!!

Friday, January 23, 2009

Nothing wrong with me!

Sometimes that crazy Dr Phil makes sense. I don't watch religiously, but I haven't been feeling well and I was holding down the couch today, so I turned it on. He had an interesting girl on today, who's 33, a mom of 4 and wants to be adopted. HMMMM....I say to myself, what's this about?? Well, turns out, she has no relationship with her mom and wants a "mom" to fill the hole her biological mother doesn't feel like doing.
WOW! I think, that sounds much like me! I grew up hearing things like " I never should have had children!" and "why did I have kids?". These comments are somewhat disturbing to an adult, let alone a child. Well, I stop short at calling it mental/emotional abuse. My husband says it is, it has really tortured me through the years. I am an adult and I make my own choices in life, no blaming my parents here.
I finally realized today, after many years of puzzling about why my mom shouldn't have had my brother and I and trying to figure out what I did so wrong....As it turns out, NOTHING is wrong with me. The people with the problem are my parents. My mom for her painful words and my father for not stopping it....
I have tried over the years to change them, to make them see how much pain they caused me and my brother (who doesn't speak to me, don't know why), but it is always turned around to be some problem of mine, my skin is too thin, I take everything personally, I am too dramatic.
Well, maybe I am one or more of those things at times, but why can't they ever see what they've done?
I think maybe they know somewhere deep down that things weren't right and buying me Gap jeans didn't fix anything....I just wanted real love and acceptance and I don't think I will ever get it.
I thank them anyway, they have shown me what NOT to do with my kids....I won't but their forgiveness for my mistakes, I will just apologize and tell them I'm not perfect, but I try. I will never let them think that they were mistakes in my life. I will make sure they always know I am proud of them. I will help them with their problems, not make fun of them. I will make sure they always know I love them.
I will also beg God not to let me become a bitter old woman, a victim of my body and a disease I can't control (MS), I will try everyday to be thankful for who I am and what God has blessed me with.
My life has definitely not been as bad as so many other children, there are much worse things done to children than what happened to me...I can't fathom what some kids have gone through to become wonderful people in the end...

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Need to Get a Life

I am in my normal winter funk. I go through this funk every so often. I want to get a life outside the four walls of my house and barn. Staying at home with my kids has been a blessing and a curse. I wanted to stay home with my kids even before I had them and luckily, through most of the time I have been. It's not enough for me right now. There's enough work involved and granted, I care for 30 or so assorted animals that regularly need attention on top of running kids to this and that and taking care of the normal trappings of a household, but I am still feeling my funk.
My dear husband doesn't understand. I don't have to jump up and go to work or deal with stupid people regularly, but I am still unhappy.
I keep feeling like I want to go to college and become something besides a mom and wife. I have thought about nursing and have taken a couple of classes over the years, but guilt prevents me from investing anymore time or money into it.
Guilt is such a nasty emotion.
I also feel selfish, spending the money and time and knowing that there are women out there who would love nothing more than to stay home forever with their children. I have done it for the better part of 10 years, now. I always promised when I had children, I wouldn't be like my mom. She said many times that she just worked because she didn't want to stay home with us, I think in the back of my mind, I am afraid that wanting more than staying home makes me just like her. She taught me to be a victim of circumstance and how not to do something about situations. I love her and I don't blame her for my difficulties in life, I am an adult and control what I do. I just have to learn how to change things for myself. If anyone has any advice on this, I would love to hear it.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Being a conservative

I watch a lot of news, mainly Fox News and a lot of Bill O'Reilly. I have seen so much liberal media coverage of everything, that I can't deal with it anymore. I am a conservative, independent, free thinker type of person. I see that being a conservative has almost turned into political leprosy. It's hard to deal with the lack of integrity and backbone in the government and world today. I feel comfortable being a conservative here in my home state of Indiana, even though we helped get Obama elected. He appealed to the masses with his speeches of "change" and "hope". Doesn't anyone get that Congress has the control?? The president is mostly a headpiece to the Democratic Congress agenda, headed up by Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid. I find that to be terrifying in itself. Do people even understand that those two don't get our (common people's) struggles?? I am not saying that McCain and Palin would do a better job, given the chance, but I wouldn't be terrified. Obama is planning on closing Gitmo to appease the bleeding heart liberals. Where would everyone (those for this idea) like us to put these maximum security terrorists? Not in my backyard, please. I am for torture if it will keep people safe. Doesn't anyone get that these guys wouldn't hesitate to use torture? They blow up little kids regularly for Christ's sake! These are the same types who videotaped chopping off Daniel Pearl's head! I wish everyone would dig their heads out of their asses and get it! I want my kids to be safe and I want my grandkids to be safe. I feel smarter than many of the morons in Congress and government in general, and all I have is a high school diploma and a backbone.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Tanning beds and full length mirrors....

I wasn't a tanning bed person until this winter. I have been in the past, in high school for dances and the prom, a couple years ago before going on my first and last cruise....if you don't like stupid people being in your vicinity...I don't recommend a cruise, unless you are going to be drunk the entire time...and napping the rest of the time.
Anyway, I got a call from the tanning place I used and had 6 sessions left from 2 years ago. I was going to give them away to a neighbor who goes there, but decided screw it, heat and quiet sound good.
Everything was fine and dandy until the last time I went.....I went in got ready, got in and got out...then, noticed the full length mirror. I thought "how bad could it be, I'm tan, everything looks better with a tan?" I keep underwear on in the bed, burnt buns don't sound good. So, with my morbid curiousity and some trepidation, I slowly walked over to the mirror...UUUUUGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!! I muffled my screams and hurriedly dressed and vowed never to look in the full length mirror again!
I don't think there is a plastic surgery that can fix all the craters and valleys that I had never known were there. I had thought about needing a full length mirror at way!

Integrity and common sense

I believe my first post may have left people with the feeling that I am not sympathetic to people's situations...I am. I send money to the homeless mission and when my kids get another year older, I would like to take them to serve dinners. I am just not sympathetic to people who regularly lack common sense...Like purchasing a house using "interest only payments" or who quit good jobs because they don't like their boss, or lose good jobs because they don't know how to keep nasty emails off their work computer. Those are the people I have little to no compassion for.
Why isn't there much integrity or common sense these days? We have older neighbors who we love dearly, they lived through the depression and worked night and day for everything they have, and their kids do too. I think we have gotten to a point where very few take pride in the fact that they worked for something, so why not charge it or ask the government for money for it??
I watched a show a while back comparing different people on welfare, very interesting. There was a lady who had her daughter living with her, she received welfare and the daughter had to pay rent on top of it... The daughter wanted out and the lady sat around with her hand out while her daughter worked and went to college. With an example like that, what do we expect??
The next person was a single mother who was living in government housing and getting a rent subsidy. She was working, going to school and trying to raise a child. I felt for her, just like I felt for the daughter in the previous scenario. The government agency helping her with rent decided to lower the amount they would give her because she got a raise at her job. Makes no sense to me....the other girl, wasn't getting any help and was trying to get an apartment on her own. You know who was doing the best?? The mother on welfare who didn't do anything for herself. Why work or educate yourself when the government will give you free money? Disgusting.
Future generations will pay for it.

Dramatic, well, a bit....

I don't know how else to describe it, but ya' know the feeling you get when someone tries to tell you how you feel, because they don't like how you described it?? Well, I am fed up with it. I say it feels like my heart is pounding out of my chest and I can't breath, someone says I am being dramatic, well, hell, yes, I am being dramatic, I can't freakin' breath when I lay down at night to sleep! I haven't slept well for a week now and I am tired, so why can't the people around me get that I might be more "off" than usual and irritable, and yes, dramatic....