Wednesday, March 4, 2009


Well, it's been a while since I have been here...I am busy with kids and critters...I wish I had a faster connection, we live where even cell phone signals don't. If we use our cell phones at home, we actually sound like the Verizon cell phone commercial. I would be a scary nut on my front porch warning you about the dead zone....that would be fun!
They have finally decided what to do about my Grave's disease. I go next week for a dose of radioactive Iodine to kill off the thyroid. Nothing with a heartbeat can come near me for 5 days! That will be a tough one with the kids. At this point, I will do anything, short of surgery with no anesthesia. I just want to feel normal again. I have no patience with anything or anyone and I feel like raging at even the smallest of things.
My "loving" husband has left for Florida for 5 days, his grandma died, so I am here alone with the kids and critters. I sound like a bitch, but I really wish we could've sent a card. I need help more than ever and I feel more than a little unstable at times, so being here alone is causing major anxiety (another lovely symptom of my disease!)so, UUUGGGGHHHH!!!
I am angry that he left, he's not close to her and I need him, the kids need him more because of how I am. I can't imaging leaving without a second thought if something was wrong with him.
I have been thinking if only I would've gone to school for a degree and have a good job, I would take my kids and get an apartment. I am just that hurt. I am tired of feeling dependent on someone, I feel like I have totally lost myself, the fun, gregarious, kind, happy person is gone and replaced with a resentful, grumpy, moody, very angry person...sounds like my mom, so another, UUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!
I am so afraid of making a mistake with my choice of study, that I don't go back to college. I don't want to feel guilty wasting the money or taking time from the family.
I want ME back, but I don't know who that is anymore. I have been home raising kids for 10+ years now, so it's like jumping off a cliff, but you don't know if you hooked up the bungy cord or not....UUUUGGGGHHHH!!!!

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